“No man can tame the tongue, it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison” James 3:8
I love this verse because it really portrays how horrible our tongues really are and how much what we say effects us and those around us. We talked about our kids in my last post and how what we say to them truly shapes who they become and how they view themselves, how they see us, but even more importantly how they see and view God Himself. Today I really want to talk about how we talk to each other….. In our world of “It’s all about me”, it can be so easy to tear other people down without even thinking about the harm we’re causing…and sometimes all at the sake of just being “funny”.
Pregnancy quips….not so funny after all….
So from taking care of so many pregnant moms over the past 8 years….the way people talk to them never changes, even though it really should. I always tell them when they come in to get ready because it’s almost like when you get pregnant everyone around you thinks that it is now their job to either touch your baby (with or without your permission) and to give you all this advice and harassing because, well, I guess you just asked for it! Moms come in so beat down and frustrated all the time from things people tell them.
“Don’t you know what causes that..” is a popular one that normally guys who are uncomfortable with a pregnant mom around will say that is re-tarded at best. Obviously the mom figured that out doofus, she’s 32 weeks along!!! As if it is a disease or something you should stay away from.
“Well, get ready, your life is about to be over!” Normally this is what every first time mom and dad hear when they get pregnant. I can’t even count how many times “well wishers” told me this through our pregnancy with Harper. Life changes, that’s for sure. But if I didn’t want my life to change, we wouldn’t have had kids in the first place! My life is nothing like what it was before kids, but it is so much better….not the other way around.
“Wow, you’re HUGE, how many babies are in there?!” I actually had a patient of mine in the waiting room tell one of my staff this who was pregnant at the time. My girl responded with, “Just one” and the lady freaked out, going on and on about how ENORMOUS she was and how there had to be twins in there. Totally demoralized my girl to the point she stepped away from the desk, went to the back and cried for a half hour before she could come back out. Insensitive, uh, ya think?! Ridiculous…absolutely. Another one of the moms I adjusted throughout her pregnancy didn’t leave the house for the last 2 weeks of her pregnancy because she got so many comments about how “huge” she was that she got sick and tired of answering questions. Little hint, if you think a mom is bigger than what you think they should be….KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!
“Man lady, you look like you’re about to pop!” Nice job dingus, as if the mom wasn’t already frustrated because she is near her guess date and is feeling uncomfortable…maybe you should point it out to her again.
“Are all these kids yours??” For all my moms of 4 or more, they all get this one at the grocery store sooner or later. One of my mom who has 6 told me when they were little she got that question every time she went out. She’s super nice so she always responded with “Why yes, yes they are”…would smile and walk on while they stared at her just horrified. Me?? When we pass the 4 mark (God willing), I can’t wait for the first poor soul to say that to me…..mmmmm….fun.
“You don’t get a medal at the end for doing this natural, everyone gets a baby…” My moms that have chosen to go the natural (no epidural, no hospital) route get this a lot. It usually comes from a friend or someone they know that has had babies already and didn’t have a great experience and did go the hospital route. This really goes back to allowing people to make their own choices, natural or not, and mind our own business. When a mom chooses to birth at the hospital, you don’t hear everyone giving her a hard time or ragging on her for wimping out or something like that. But as soon as a mom declares (most of the time reluctantly) that she is either birthing at a birthing center, or at home, or just medication-free at the hospital…they get raked over the coals.
“Oh, you’re pregnant, well good luck with labor mine was awful!!” Baby showers are a nightmare especially for the first time mom because they are trying so hard to not give into fear about what’s coming up. Then they sit down next to a well-wisher who had terrible experiences who just needs someone to vent on and dump their problems on so they vomit all over this poor mom and totally stress them out. Hey ladies….if your experience was less than desirable, we’re sorry, truly….but can you keep the details out of it until after we’ve had our baby?? Thanks…that would help out….
Doctors should know better…..but no…..
I love the fact that doctors are no better usually than the general public with some of the ridiculous things they say to moms. The hard part? Since they have alphabet soup behind their name, all they say carries more weight!! Especially for first time parents.
One new patient I saw a couple months ago, pregnant with #2, stated that she had had an episiotomy during her first delivery. I asked her if she’d had any complications from this and she said “Yes, sex was horribly painful for months afterwards.” To which I replied “I’m so sorry, that happens many times because they sew the episiotomy site back up too tight.” She nodded and we talked about it and she said she had learned that recently but hadn’t realized that was the problem for awhile. She said she went to the doc that delivered her and asked him soon after if that could be the problem and he says, “No, that couldn’t be it, it’s just because you’re breastfeeding. Sometimes mom’s who breastfeed have really painful sex afterwards.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! My mom always taught me that if you didn’t have anything intelligent to say, keep your mouth shut!! That is so medically incorrect the guy should be flogged! Phew…sorry, I get all protective of my moms….I need to get a drink of water…hold on……
Ok, I’m back…cooled off. Here’s another good one, when Cindy had first became a doula and was done with her first birth, Love you Janet and Todd!!, they were in the recovery room and the doctor came in and asked what they were going to do about the Vitamin K shot and antibiotics for the baby and the parents responded (out of their own research and education I might add) that they were not going to do those things to which the doctor replied, “Fine! If you want to kill your baby, you go right ahead, be my guest!” And stormed out of the room!
Another mom recently called me really upset about her primary doc and some things he found on her daughter (which when I examined her we found were not true). As we got to talking though, she began asking me some specifics on the vaccine issue (which we’d already discussed while she was pregnant and she had read countless books and research studies and had chosen to not vaccinate to begin with and to continue praying about later). She said the doctor asked her when he came in what they had decided to do about the vaccines and she told him they weren’t going to be doing any and he says, “I’ll still see you as a patient even though you’re not doing them, but I’m really disappointed.” (Wait, it gets better).. “I think it’s horrible that you’ve believed all the lies out there against vaccines and I feel that everyone who chooses not to vaccinate is possessed with a demon.” (This is NO JOKE) “It is totally biblical to vaccinate,” he says, “and to not do so puts your baby at risk physically AND spiritually…” I don’t even know what to say to this. I actually died laughing in the room with the mom when she told me this out of shock really. My first response was….”Really, which verse says you should vaccinate?” He didn’t have an exact verse but was distorting Chronicles 6:14 which says “Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own?” This mom was so confused and scared she was making a bad decision that they almost vaccinated their daughter right there….but she didn’t and went back with her husband and prayed about it and realized that he was being crazy.
When people say things to you out of resentment, or jealousy, or anger….take it in context. Thank them for their input, let them know that won’t be your experience, then turn around and walk away. Anything that makes you want to make a decision out of FEAR is NOT right. You should be making your decisions for your family out of peace and comfort…..
So what crazy inappropriate things have people said to you while you were pregnant or nursing or whatever….I’m sure I won’t be shocked……
Dr. JB
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I always get the “how many are in there?!” starting about month 7….
And our first pediatrician with Grant spent an hour trying to convince me to immunize, and when I stood fast he told me it was like “letting him crawl around 635 during rush hour”. I was done with him!
Lauren,
Great analogy by the doc LOL. As if not giving your child preservatives, poisons, and heavy metals is equivalent to him playing chicken with an eighteen wheeler!! Wow….
Amen! I hate it when people say things like this. They think it’s their job to spread the fear. Please keep your fearmongering to yourselves. Don’t tell me how miserable I’ll be when my child becomes a teenager.
What if you tried being a better parent instead of trying to make sure everyone else’s kid is as bad as yours?
Dan,
You know it’s because people aren’t happy and want to bring you down with them. Fear is an easy motivator and for shock factor it gets their point across. However ridiculous it may be!
Hmmm…lets see, where to begin. =)
With Aaron my due date fell on Mother’s Day that year so I figured church would be kind of challenging shall we say, especially when the church we were attending at the time didn’t do anything to honor pregnant mothers. Since I believe life begins at conception I consider a pregnant woman to be a mother too. So…here we go.
-During the hand shaking time I would always go hug our preachers wife while she was playing the paino. When I went and said hi to her this day she told me, “Happy “almost” Mother’s Day” .
-I’d seen a friend at Target a few months earlier and she happened to be attending church that morning. She turned around and asked when my due date was and I replyed “Today!” The man infront of me turned around and told me, “Don’t get the seat wet!”
-Another man told me, “You shouldn’t be here.” I guess I was suppose to be home having a baby instead.
-As we were walking out to the car another lady yelled at me from across the parking lot, “You ain’t had that baby yet?!” I didn’t even turn around, I just kept walking and kept my snide comments to myself.
With Rebekah my ex-boyfriends mother kept inadverntly calling me fat. Early in my second trimester after services one morning she approached me and told me that she could really tell in my face that I had put on weight. (Who says that to people?!) Then at the end of my pregnancy we were standing around after services one night and she asked when I was due. (This was like the 22nd of Oct and I was due the 27th) Apparently she thought I was already overdue. Then asked if I was going to have a c-section. I said no, that we were planning another homebirth. She looked down at my stomach and then back up at me and said, “Well, she’s going to be a BIG baby.” And she was…but I didn’t need a c-section to deliver my 9lb 7oz, 21 3/4 inch long baby girl with a 15inch head. (with no tears!!!) With the help of my midwives Rebakah’s birth was the most amazing, healing, and empowering experience.
Kathryn,
I’m sorry, but I may have had to “lay hands on” the gentleman with the wet seat comment. That’s crazy. Some people think they’re trying to be so funny and it is extremely hurtful! Good job on getting the birth experience you wanted and needed!! It helps to wash all the horrible comments away!
Wow, you must have a linebacker in there! (he was right though….)
Kate,
Maybe a lineman….i don’t know about a linebacker…
Wow. When I was about 37 wks pregnant with Josiah, my half sister’s mom asked me if I was planning to breastfeed, to which I responded yes. Then she says, “you don’t look like you have enough milk!” I might have been insulted if it wasn’t so ridiculously funny! But I simply replied that breast size doesn’t matter and the milk doesn’t come in till after the baby is born. Where do these people learn such absurdities?!
Joanna,
I cracked up at this one. Yeah, people hear something and take it to the bank that they know what they’re talking about. Hilarious!!
Yes, I’ve heard every one of those! The worst for me was the comments of how BIG I was! There was a lady at church that every Sunday for the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy would say, “You are not going to make it to July!” and would usually add on, “That is going to be a big baby.” or “Are you SURE you aren’t having twins?” Of course, people said that with my other pregnancies, too, but my last one was the worst. I would cry and a couple of times I just didn’t even go to church because I just couldn’t take it!
Right now the one that bothers me the most is the “do you know what causes that?”, as if somehow this baby, though not my first or second, is not a blessing.
When I was pregnant with Faith, and I had my two boys in tow, people said the most horrible things when they found out I didn’t know the sex of the baby! One lady said, “Well, I hope it’s not another boy! When I had my third boy, I told my doctor he was going to have to find a home for him because I wasn’t taking him.” And lots of people told me they cried at the sonogram when they found out they were having another boy. I didn’t understand….it’s a BABY! How can you be sad about having a baby! And boys are great, too, just like girls.
If I could just remember to respond to people in an encouraging way, realizing that they just don’t have God’s perspective on things, that would be great, but I have to admit, I’m not always that way!
Kelly,
Wow!! You have heard it all! Yeah, I don’t understand the whole “hope it’s not a boy thing”. Boys are busy, but boys are INCREDIBLE!! Just like girls, but different. So when people act like that I don’t get it. Thanks for always being so gracious, even when it’s near impossible…
Oh the tales that I could tell…lol. And I already get the comments about how many kids with only three. Hands down, these are the worst comments I’ve had made to me:
At Central Market with all three kids, and all happy and not being difficult at all, a lady walked by and said, “nap time can’t come soon enough at that age.” Thanks. I actually like spending time with my children. Really. Naps are nice, but not the highlight of my day. CM has to be the #1 place to go to have people treat you like a burden on society or an inconvenience if you have children.
When I was pregnant with Lucy and still working I had a co-worker that would daily come by to see how swollen my ankles were, and to tell me how miserable I looked. At some point I finally told her that I needed her to keep her comments to herself. Thankfully, she did.
I remember when the twin comment was made at your office to her. I thought she looked great. It is so hard to handle those situations with grace.
Stephanie,
You’re right, grace is the furthest thing from your mind when people are being ignorant, insensitive, or just plain rude or mean!! But you did an awesome job of telling the co-worker to back off. I think more moms should do that. I know I had to defend Cindy right after we had Harper at a clothing store because a worker was going on and on about why she should “be in bed” and how horrible the recovery from birth was. I let her know real quick that we had a home birth, in the water…so she was fine! lol
I’ve gotten a few of these, especially the “you don’t get a medal” one. I was also told that I wouldn’t breastfeed for a year because by 6 weeks it would hurt so much I would quit. It seems that people who don’t succeed at breastfeeding are determined to convince me that formula is the best choice.
Just today I had a student go on for 10+ minutes about how crazy/bad/stupid it was not to find out the sex of the baby before birth. I tried my best to convince a 15 yr old boy that it was a personal choice and when he’s an adult he and his wife can decide whatever they want.
People seem to loose any filter they may have had around pregnant women.
Alanna,
I don’t think I could’ve sat there and listened to the 15 year old genius!! It doesn’t surprise me that even the teens think they know what you need while you’re pregnant. lol
My former employer would make such an effort as to walk around me at a great distance acting as if I filled up that space…He also told me I needed flashing lights and a banner that read “Wide Load”.
My brother starts dancing around and chanting like a witch doctor when the subject of my out of hospital birth comes up.
He looks so stupid though I cant help but laugh!
Kayla,
Glad you always have such a good attitude and sense of humor about things like that. Former employer needs a good “egging” on his car I think!! lol
this post is very usefull thx!
When I was pregnant with the twins, I LOVED when people asked me about my birth plans. Oh, the looks I got when I said that I would do it naturally at a birth center! But I enjoyed so much being able to share with women how I wouldn’t even consider using an OB, and that if I had, I would have been a guaranteed C-section. When women hear enough positive stories from other women who’ve birthed naturally with a midwife, and then in all likelihood contrast that to the horror stories from the women who use OB’s, there is an effect. I know there was for me!